Stories of Randomness/Transcript
This is the transcript for "Stories of Randomness", the first in a series of episodes with segments in them rather than one full episode. Script Rack Goes Bad *(The first scene shows Rack in jail with a black and white scenery.) *'Rack': Hey. You may be wondering why I'm in prison. Well, I'm nothing but trouble. Let me tell you the story. *'Rack': (voice only): It all started with... *(Cut to a day before. The scenery is in color and it is a very sunny day.) *(Rack wakes up and gets out of his bed.) *'Rack': Ah, time to live a sunny happy day! *(Rack walks into the kitchen and finds NH wearing his robe, glasses, pipe and newspaper.) *'NH': I seriously don't understand how you can be so happy. You're treated like dirt. *'Rack': Are you serious? I'm treated nicely, and I'll do the same to others. *'NH': If you say so. *(Rack goes outside and shuts the door.) *'Rack': Ah! What a beautiful day! *(Suddenly, clouds come in and it starts raining.) *'Rack': Well, at least the air's fresh. *(A smoker walks by.) *'Rack': (coughs): Well, at least my clothes aren't messy. *(Car comes by and tire throws mud all over him.) *'Rack': Keep it together Rack, just gotta keep a big smile on and you'll be okay. *(Rack smiles largely and walks. Bugs then get in his teeth.) *'Rack': Huh........ *(Rack bumps into US.) *'Rack': Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't-oh, hey, US. *'US': Raclk! There you are! *'Rack': How come your walking in the streets? You never go outside. *'US': Well, I need to keep my trim figure. *'Rack': Uh okay. *'US': Geez Raclk, you're a mess! *'Rack': I've noticed. Can you get me a bucket of water or something? *'US': Sure, Raclk. *(US walks away and gets him a bucket of water.) *'Rack': But this is mud! *'US': Hey, you didn't say it had to be clean. See ya Raclk! *(US walks away. Rack continues walking.) *'Rack': Huh......... *(An old lady walks by.) *'Old Lady': Why hello there young man. Would you mind walking little old me across the street? *'Rack': Why of course. *(Rack walks the old lady across the street, but trips and breaks his glasses.) *'Rack': Huh............ *'Old Lady': Thank you very much, young man. May your soul be blessed. *'Rack': I'd rather be in a hospital. *(The old lady walks away and Rack gets up.) *'Rack': Come on, something good has to come out of this. *(Rack is in a line for a water fountain. Rack is next in line and is about to drink from the fountain, when suddenly, a ridiculously large muscular man appears.) *'Man': Hey, do you mind me cuttin'? Us manly guys need liquids to look this hot. (Flexes muscles.) *'Rack': Um, sure. *'Man': Thanks, buddy! *(The man pushes Rack on the ground.) *'Rack': Ow! My cheek! *'Man': Hey! Don't cry like a sissy! Be a man! Get a baby maker! *(Beats up Rack.Rack then slowly crawls away.) *'Rack': (tooth falls out): I'm not that thirsty anymore. *(A child with tattered clothing walks by.) *'Child': Sir, would you mind giving a penny for my very poor family? My family has just one penny left, *'Rack': Hm............ I don't have any coins, but I do have a 100 dollar bill. Is that good enough? *'Child': Why that would be perfect, sir! Thank you very much for your generous donation! May you be blessed! *'Rack': Doesn't seem like it. *(Rack continues to crawl slowly,' when suddenly a biker comes out of nowhere and runs over Rack, leaving bike tracks on him'.) *'Rack': (coughs): There goes my lung. *(Rack then crawls slowly to his house.' Rack then finally gets to the door, gets inside and slams it'.) *'NH': Huh, I guess I was right. People do treat you like dirt. (chuckles.) *'Rack': That's it! I am sick of being nice! I'm just gonna be evil from now on! *'NH': You, evil? (laughs.) Good luck with that. *'Rack': Yes! Evil! I'm just gonna be bad! *'NH': In that case............ welcome to the dark side. Now what type of cookie do you want? *(A "The next day...." sign appears.) *(Alarm clock goes off, with Rack smashing it into bits with his hand.) *'Rack': (sarcastic): Yay, another crummy day. *(Rack puts on a black jacket, black shoes, blue jeans and black sunglasses with a toothpick in his mouth. Rack then walks to the door.) *'NH': (sarcastic): Ooh, look at big bad Rack in black. Intimidating. You sure will scare with that cliche style of clothing. *'Rack': Listen here, wolfie. Look who's talking. Red robe, reading glasses, pipe? Pfff. Cliche. And you think you're so great for making a sarcastic remark. Well, news flash: You're a sad, pathetic, awful excuse of a wolf. Get out of that stupid chair and get a life. *(Rack slams the door, leaving. NH is speechless and has a shocked expression. Rack roams the street. It is a very sunny day. The smoker from before walks by.) *'Rack': Outta my way, buddy! *(Pushes smoker on the ground. Then, the same car from before drives by. Rack then uses a knife to flatten the tire, flattening it and the car crashes into a fire hydrant. Then the old lady from before walks by.) *'Old Lady': Why hello there suspicious young man. Would you mind walking me across the street? *'Rack': Do it yourself grandma! *(Rack throws the old lady in the busy traffic.) *'Old Lady': Oh my! Good Heavens! *(Rack goes into the same water fountain line from before. The same man as before is in line.) *'Man': Hey, did you grow that baby maker yet? *'Rack': Let's find out. *(Rack beats up the man. The man then cries, running away.) *'Rack': Who needs to grow a baby maker now? *(Rack cuts in line.) *'Rack': Excuse me, coming through, outta my way. *'Person': Hey! No cutsies! *'Rack': Cutsies?! Ha! What are you, 5? (Pushes people on the ground.) (Drinks water.) *'Child': Sir, would you mind sparring a penny for me and my poor family? *'Rack': Kid, can't you see I'm busy drinking?! Now leave me alone and bother someone else! *(Child runs away crying. Rack's cell phone rings in his pocket.) *'Rack': Yo? *'US': (voice only): Raclk, come in my office! *'Rack': Sure, toots. *(Cut to Rack getting in US's office.) *'US': Wow Raclk, you look..........different. *'Rack': That's right, toots. *'US': Toots? *'Rack': Yep. So what did you want? *'US': Well, you see, I need your help. I need you to get a soda from the fridge. My butt's enjoying the seat, and I don't want it mad. *'Rack': Get it yourself you fat cow. *'US': What.....did............you...........just............say?! *'Rack': I said you're a fat cow, fat cow! *'US': Raclk, you're going to prison for life for insulting me! *(Cut back to Rack in jail.) *'Rack': Yep, now you know the story. Meh, still worth it. (Cleans teeth with a toothpick.) *'THE END'. What Does She Do, Anyway? SCENE: The city park. Rack and NH are walking along. Rack: Y'know, NH, I've been thinking. NH: I'm pretty sure that's bad for your health. Rack: (continues like NH didn't say anything) I wonder what US does all day... NH: What does she do, anyway? SCENE: US's house. An alarm clock updates to 8:00 AM and starts to ring. US ignoring it entirely, just rolls over. It rings and rings, until, finally, at 8:30, the Deputy Mayor comes into the room and starts shaking US. Deputy Mayor: Miss US, Miss US! MISS US! It's time to get up! US: (In her sleep) Just five more minutes, Mom... Deputy Mayor: I'm not your mom... (He continues to shake her) US: (In her sleep) I don't wanna go to school today, Mom, Saver is gonna try to beat me up at recess... Deputy Mayor: What? US: You heard me, Mom.... Stay outta my way... (Rolls over, covering her head with the blanket) Deputy Mayor: FINE THEN!! (He storms out, slamming the door) SCENE: A local Wendy's, about 10 AM. US approaches the drive thru in her city vehicle. Drive-Thru Person: (Over the speaker) Good morning Madame Mayor, how can we help you today? US: o.O How do you know who I am!? Drive-Thru Person: We can see your car from the window, Mayor. (He waves at her from the window) US: Oh. I see.... (mutters) note to self, get rid of "windows"... Drive Thru Person: What was that, Mayor? US: Nothing! I'd like a baked potato, please. Drive-Thru Person: Would you like bacon bits and cheese? US: Yes. And i want a skinless potato. Drive-Thru Person: ....what? I'm sorry Mayor, our potatoes have skins on them. US: Then, take the skin off. Drive-Thru Person: Oh... Uh... Manager: (Noticing the Mayor's car, he comes over to the window and speaks in a whisper) Hey, give her whatever crazy thing she wants! She's the freakin' Mayor. She can close us down at any time, like she closed the Burger King when they wouldn't give her a vegetarian Whopper made from beef. Drive-Thru Person: Yes, sir. (To US) Anything else? US: No, that's all! Drive-Thru Person: Alright. That's one... skinless... baked potato. Please pull forward. US: (At the window) How much do I owe you? Drive-Thru Person: Nothing, Mayor. You know we're in compliance with Article 158473.2, Section B of the City Revised Code. The mayor doesn't pay for food. US: Good! I would hate to have to close you down. (The guy gives her her food) Thank you!!! SCENE: Town hall, the Mayor's office, noon. US strolls in. Deputy Mayor: Good afternoon, Mayor. Are you ready to go to the library opening? Did you study the speech I wrote? US: What's a library? Deputy Mayor: A library is a place that lets people borrow books. We just built one... US: (Interrupting) And what speech? Deputy Mayor: O.O The speech I gave you yesterday! US: Oh yeah. I lost that. Gimmie another. Deputy Mayor: You burned the other copy! US: Oh. Well, I'll just wing it. Deputy Mayor: I don't think you should do tha-- US: (Interrupting again) Who is the Mayor here? Deputy Mayor: You are, but I still advise against it... US: That's nice. Well, let's go. (The two get ready to leave) Deputy Mayor: Oh, I almost forgot. The DA wants to have a luncheon with you. US: Where? Deputy Mayor: At Chili's.. he wants to discuss the dea--- US: Tell him "No". Deputy Mayor: Mayor, are you sure? It's a pretty serious issue... US: I don't care. I hate Chili's. Deputy Mayor: o.O Wha? US: Tell him Applebee's, or nothing. Deputy Mayor: um, okay.... (The two leave the office) SCENE: The library opening. US is on the podium giving a speech before the ribbon cutting, the Deputy Mayor and an Aide seated behind her. There is a large crowd of rather impatient looking citizens. Random Guy in Crowd: Why is she Mayor again? Random Woman: I wish I knew! I don't think she even knows the name of the town! US: My fellow citizens. I am here today to dedicate this new addition to our fair city.... (Looks at the Deputy Mayor and whispers) what's the name of the city? Deputy Mayor: '''What? How do you not know that? '''US: Good citizens, I am proud that we are adding the world's first.. li.. li-bra.... li-brar-ee to.. to our fair city. Now, I know a few of you are still a little... miffed... that the construction was delayed because of a certain matter... the world's largest pizza... But we cannot dwell on what has been! That pizza was delicious, and we mourn those who were lost. And so, with a heavy heart I am glad to dedicate this newfangled Public Li-brar-ee to the City of.... to our fairy city! (She holds her hand out to the Deputy Mayor) The scissors, please! Deputy Mayor: o.O I thought you had them... US: No, YOU had them! Where are they!? Deputy Mayor: We must have left them at City Hall... Aide: I can run and get them, we're only a block away... US: NO! That will never do, I need to take my nap at 2 PM, that's only 30 minutes from now! I think I have some scissors... (She fiddles around in her pockets) A-HA! Here we go! (She pulls out a pair of cuticle scissors, then proceeds to start cutting the '''extremely' wide ribbon with them, very slowly.)'' Deputy Mayor: Mayor, are you sure-- US: (Interrupting) SHH! I'm CUTTING! Aide: She can't be serious. Deputy Mayor: Oh, she is.. Aide: Why do we use ribbons that are two feet wide, anyway? (US continues to cut the ribbon, and, fourty-five minutes and a lot of sweating later, she's finished. The crowd is clearly extremely displeased.) Random Guy: FINALLY! I JUST WANT TO READ. US: Oh, is that what you do at a place like this? Well, anyway welcome to the li-brar-ee!! SCENE: The city park, about 3 PM. US is walking along a path near the pond when she comes across Rack, sitting on a bench.) US: Raclk, what are you doing out here by yourself? Rack: My name is Rack. And I'm feeding the ducks. (He looks at his watch) US, it's like.. three in the afternoon. US: Yes, Raclk. I just got up from my nap. (Stretches) Rack: Why do you keep calling me that? US: Calling you what, Raclk, your name? Rack: Nevermind. What are you doing here? US: I always walk through the park at 3 PM to avoid the school buses driving by City Hall. Rack: Uh, what? US: The yellow school buses. Yellow is a sign of a challenge you know. Rack: Couldn't you just... stay in your office? US: No. If I make eye contact with one, it's the same as accepting the challenge. And they fight in packs. Rack: Oh, really? A challenge from a school bus? (pause) .....you could take them. Us: No, I'm not in shape enough.. not yet... (A horn blares from behind Rack and he turns to see a school bus honking at a city bus. US clearly sees it, but gives no comment.) Rack: I... see.. Well, while you're out here, could you do me a favor? US: No, Raclk, I'm very busy. Rack: (Laughs) Haha... (He realizes she's serious) ...You are? Doing what? US: ...... (Long pause. She coughs) Well, Raclk, I'd love to stay and chat, but I have some mayoral things to avoid doing. (She walks away) Rack: Um, okay. (NH shows up) NH: What's she doing wandering around the park at 3 PM? Rack: I... don't know.. I don't think she does anything, anyway. FIN The Squirrel *(Rack is walking NH outside with a leash on.) *'NH': This is so embarrassing! I am not a dog, idiot! *'Rack': Aw, is someone cranky? *'NH:' What was your first clue? Stupid humans. *'Rack': Aw, you wanna be a human? *'NH': No! Never! Why must you not listen correctly to my ramblings?! *(A squirrel is seen walking by.) *'NH': Is that a-a squirrel?! *'Rack': Aw, you wanna play with the squirrel? *'NH': Sure, playing. If by eating it's skin and insides, sure. *'Rack': Alright, have fun! *(Lets NH off his leash.) *'NH': I am free! Now to eat that squirrel. *(NH then runs to the squirrel.) *'NH': Come here, you! *(NH catches the squirrel, but the squirrel pops up in different areas of NH's body.' The squirrel then runs to his tree'.) *'NH': Hm. He is smart, but no smarter than I! *(NH runs to the tree and tries to climb up. However, his claws get stuck on the wood.) *'NH': Blast! Time to think outside the box, I see. *(Tries to rip his claws off the tree, and successfully does so. However, the wood is still stuck to his claws.) *(Later........NH is back to normal, and is on a tree branch. He tries to get another tree branch from the squirrel's tree so he can walk over to the squirrel.) *'NH': There is no way this plan can fail! Hahahahhahah! All I have to do is keep my balance. *(The Squirrel then throws an acorn on NH's head, causing him to fall on his baby maker.) *'NH': My gobblers! *(NH then falls on the ground.) *(Later........... NH is back to normal, and is building a cardboard female squirrel to trick the squirrel into coming over his tree.) *'NH': (behind squirrel, moving it around and voicing it): You who! I need a handsome young man to live with. (to himself): What the devil do they talk about? Acorns! (as squirrel): And eat acorns all day! *(The squirrel's heart beats in and out of his chest, with hearts moving around his head.) *(The squirrel, lovestruck, levitates to NH's tree, with a lot of acorns, but then the cardboard squirrel falls. The squirrel, angry, throws all of the acorns in his hands on NH.) *'NH': Hm........ time to think more outside the box. *(Later............ NH is reading a "Reverse Psychology" book, giving him an idea: If NH acts like the squirrel, the squirrel will act like NH, falling into NH's trap.) *(NH starts acting like the squirrel, eating acorns. However, the squirrel isn't falling for it. And NH is now convinced he is the squirrel.) *(Later........... NH is using a laser like machine in his tree, planning on zapping the squirrel with it.) *'NH': Ah, this has to kill that annoyance. It has 100% accuracy. *(The squirrel is taunting by making faces.) *(NH shoots the laser, but misses.) *'NH': Blast! How could this be?! *(The squirrel is laughing.) *(Cut to Rack shopping in a grocery store.) *'Rack': I hope NH is having fun with that squirrel. *(Laser barely misses Rack, and a hair falls off his head.) *'Rack': Huh....... (Continues shopping.) (Cuts back to NH.) *'NH': I need to get that squirrel if it's the last thing I do! *(Later........... NH is using a giant slingshot to get on the squirrel's tree, but overshoots.) *'NH': Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! *(The squirrel waves using a "goodbye" gesture.) *(NH ends up right next to Rack, who just came out of the store.) *'Rack': Ah, there you are NH! Did you have fun? *'NH': No! I need to get him! *'Rack': Aw, you missed me? That's sweet! (Carries NH.) *'NH': No! Let me go human! I need to get that squirrel! Let me go! *'Rack': Aw, don't worry. Well get home soon. *(The squirrel looks at the screen and chuckles, waving "goodbye" to the viewers.) *'THE END'. Category:Transcripts